Vanlife Archive
So much has transpired and I'm taking this morning to acknowledge that.
Last night I was watching some show and in one of the scenes they were at a club. Dancing, drinking, eating, live music. I caught myself looking upon it like it was some vintage past. And era gone. Really, really creepy. The subconscious thought was, "where are their masks?" And admittedly it was almost a fully conscious thought. Though, in this scene, people were gathered as we have since the dawn of time, yet already a year with forced masking had me thinking—of this animated movie—"where are their masks?" Cosmos, save us. Wtf is happening. And I'm not even immersed in it. I'm WAY out here. Maskless. And if I'm in any town it's a small one that doesn't give a fuck about the mandates. And even STILL the sneaky thought of it seeming "wrong" for people to gather and cajole in this animated movie is in my subconscious. Damn that goes deep. Woooof. Anyway...
My nearly obsessive thoughts and feelings about [Carrot] have subsided overnight. I did have to go to bed asking for help to release it (praying). It was taking up a lot of my mental space. Rude. Not even paying rent.
Though my period has not yet arrived with blood, I do feel ready to further release, let go, and surrender as it comes. As a woman must.
[Carrot] may be nothing, but right now I'm personifying him as my inner critic, based on our last call in which he pretty much roasted me for expressing that I wanted his attention. He's also kind of bullying me so I'm aware of that.
May I not forget my power here. And though I've tried to give him my love, he has rejected it. I think he's doing well, which I want for him!!!! He's focused and fine. And thus doesn't need my attention. He demanded I tell him what I need from him. I said simply attention. And he denied giving it to me. So...... I lose. lol. I feel okay about it. I'm glad I was honest. I could have played off like I didn't want his attention, which would be a lot of work for me HA. Im glad I was straightforward. I guess now I'm using him as proxy, some sort of target for my love. Maybe he's just another muse. Because obviously if I want him and he doesn't want me, he ain the one lol. Where do I put this though? All of this? He pretty much reminded me to funnel it back into myself because he does not want it and I see nowhere (nobody?) else to put it. And that's annoying because he's right but Jesus it's overflowing CAN I SHARE SOME?! And in that continuum I believe I may get some of his attention if all those universal rules about loving yourself are true, though there's also universal rules about free will 😂. And to be frank I give myself a LOT of love and attention Journal. You know this.
It's not anyone's attention or interest or validation I want.
It's his.
This bleed's going to be a big, good, transformative one. Because it hasn't even started and i'm feeling the Mother Hug energy already.
This is really sweet to be lined up with the Saturn and Jupiter conjunction. Big portal energy. Thin veils, and apparently for me, the end of one cycle of creativity and the beginning of a new 20-year creative cycle.
I'm so excited. This validates the feeling I've had to wait, wait, wait to share my gifts until I've pressure tested my own creations and know in my heart that even if people talk shit—I LOVE THEM. Them, meaning, my creations. Love them like I love Mars. Like a parent loves a child.
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