Journal Archive
Happy New Year! I didn't think I'd feel such happiness, but upon writing 01/01/21 I really do!!!!
There's no service here at this campground so since about 3pm yesterday I've been left to my only devices (which includes no devices at all lol) and it feels amazing. The night was intensely cold but the sun quickly warmed the van when it shone over the ridge.
I feel calm today. In fact, I started feeling calm last night when at last I decided to give up on "content," and just read. I tried reading The Left Hand of Darkness (which Nick had sent to me assuming I would love Ursula) for a bit, but I must admit it feels above my current reading level 😬. How embarrassing. But it's true. Over the past week, as my anxiety and PMS ramped up, I could see how much I relied on my phone for the distraction and escapism. Seriously. I'd clear my whole schedule, finish every last chore, only then to... be on my phone? How sad, really.
So I gave up checking my phone. I realized, despite having no bars, NONE, just... in it's place, just how often even stillI would check my phone. I couldn't even get TEXTS let alone check my social apps and still, I caught myself just tapping my phone unconsciously to see. And with no service, the time would stare me in the face to exemplify the behavior: 4:17, 4:22, 4:36, 4:51. WHAT?! I legitimately KNEW it was physically and digitally and technologically IMPOSSIBLE to get texts and notis (this is my short -hand for "notifications," and I don't think it's sticking) and STILL.
So I realized The Left Hand of Darkness was a bit dense for me, coming off of two full weeks of letting my brain slip into complete mass, vapid, visual, video consumption oblivion. Before I got into Ursula, I needed a simpler storyline. Something, well, easy to be honest. At least to cleanse my psychological/mental palate and read some pages that I'm actually comprehending.
I picked up Tracks. I discover it's a TRUE STORY part way through. I'm way more into it upon discovering this. I think I chugged about 100 pages without coming up for air. So enjoyable, so engaged and so entertained. Finally. I wasn't picking my face, my mind wasn't racing. I know the names of the characters and the camels. FINALLY. I felt so insatiable the last few weeks. Boy crazy, snacking, creating ANYTHING, looking for any external radius of stimuli, spending. Ugh. Sometimes I feel insane trying to keep my life moving forward at the speed of all my thoughts. Unless I give it a hard stop, I never will.
A few things in Tracks stand out profoundly to me, from the 100 pages last night:
Tourists vs. Travellers (two l's.. what am I British now?)- so it's true, what I'm seeing. She saw beer cans and so much trash and really trash people. I see that out here, too. (In Tracks, the main character is traveling solo with her dog and camels across the Australian desert).
People get these HUGE rigs, so sheltered from the outside, that they don't even experience the outside. It's not a gear war? That's so lame. Isn't the point of being out here... to be... OUT here? lol Getting closer to the elements and ecology is the point.
Trust your gut, your intuition
She experienced other people's internalisation (there I go again being British) of her story. She also dealt with selling out and the struggle that NO form of documentation could ever really do justice to her journey. Only she will ever know. And I feel that SO deeply. And it's something I try to swallow whole.
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