Journal Archive
Dear Journal, diary, etc.
A while since the last. I've been resistant to journaling since I lost my black composition notebook. The most devastating thing about losing that one is the Superior story. I wanted to get brave and publish—alas, I have not even redrafted it to another medium and it could be lost forever. But it's not because that's impossible. I have to wonder why and what the fact that I've lost everything lately could mean and if its a test of how much I care.
I have a thing for people who are interesting. And I feel like people who can get inside their own heads wear their relationships on their sleeves. Their relationship with themselves that is.
On the Use of Whip-Its.. or not.
Scared. Resistant. Tempting. That's why I knew I couldn't smoke pot in high school. I knew it would make life more interesting and more intriguing and the banalities and lack of challenge and excess of unimportant busy work and free-time would kill me. High school was when I was productive and pro-active and so into the system. I almost desired to be quite bureaucratic. I like the idea of power funneling toward me like that. Now, I want the opposite. I want to be busy like my mom says I like to be. She says I'm always good at getting back to work. But I like what I realized about the contrast of needing the lows to have the highs. If I don't plug into the system and follow it's grueling rules, I can't know what its like in there. And that is so important to my research. To finding the insights. You have to be adaptable. It's nearly amphibious. Maybe that's why my life looks like a terrarium. I have to be both on land and in the water. In fact, I am quite large in that way. Without going too far to the one side, I cannot go far to the other. It's almost like the Median Voter Theory.
I was scared because I know I love xxxx. I love the elasticity of my brain. I'm fascinated in seeing where it goes. But people will tell you these feelings are bad. And you shouldn't have them. Because these feelings make you have different thoughts. And if you have different thoughts, you challenge precedence. And precedence is honestly stupid because the world is in a constant state of flux. What we do as a connected whole today will change the outcome of everything that exists forwardly. Precedence is naivety.
The feeling I got is something I have had so many times before. I've gotten there, can get there, and can stay there. It's vibrational, warm, and harmonious. It's when my body and my mind are on the same wavelength, I think.
When I'm in such a state of heightened awareness, I see people's character. Or their lack of character. Things look animated. People look like they are in control and some look like they are not. People on rolls are the freakiest. we are not supposed to be like that. Nothing feels better than the reassurance and hope restored in humanity of human connection when dancing around a room with best friends to amazing music. And that's something I could have sober. Me James Lucas Ryan dancing downstairs was amazing. I had this thought that vibing will be commercialized. Like, you could buy a "night." Buy the package with the rolls, the concert ticket, the awesome people, and experience it. But that's for the people who cannot produce it for themselves. They have to have manufactured fun.
When I was letting myself get down there, I wasn't scared. I let myself sink into the harmony. It went slower slower slower and slower until I was stuck on one note of the song playing. Just stuck there so hard in one moment that it lasted longer than it really did. Maybe it gives a stretch in time. A wrinkle in time? I fell into one. It's almost like getting sucked into a fold of a moon-bounce, like those big jumpy things that people rent for parties. But submitting to it instead of fighting it, and there's no fear of suffocating. And you can tap out. James tapped me out. I tried talking but my words bounced back to me too quickly like I was in the world's largest arena alone with the mic feedback turned up to max. Words were so secondary to what I was feeling. I was so connected to the inside.
Maybe that's when I get to be large. When my feet are on the ground and my head is where it wants to be. We really are all one thing. The alchemist has lots of references to animism and that. Is that why we love the internet of things? It's virtual connectivity. That's why we love the internet. That's why is has become the base of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Our most basic human desire is the inherent feeling of connection to others. And the internet gives us incredible, immediate access to that.
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