Journal Archive
I don't know if maybe it is because it is senior year, or maybe because I've reached a certain level of maturity, but with everyday I feel I get to know myself better. It's like until this point, all that I went through was part of my growth. Now, all that I go through puts who I've become into action.
I have received more assignments and work from all my teachers in the last week that is due some time before May than I've ever had before. Typically, I would be freaking out. I would stress myself out thinking about all that I have to do when in reality, I cannot even start them yer. I've gained a sense of myself where I know and realize that when I sit down to do something, I will get it done. The less I try to hurry, the quicker I get something done. It's really quite interesting.
I sure am happy I finally dug this journal out. I really wish all my journal entries were here in this one. I have like five at home, too. But the thing is that it all has to do with speed and convenience. When I have a thought I need to write down, I need to write it down immediately. Five different notebooks are currently being subjected to that impulse. I guess I'm just glad I wrote anything, anywhere.
My brother Jake is currently 15. He will be 16 in July. He is the smartest kid on Earth with the motivation of a rock. I think is part of his curve of being so smart. He cannot see the significance of doing homework as practice when he can get an A on tests without wasting his time doing homework or studying. We are so completely different. I am all about working
hard, accolades, and my class rank. Jake would rather sit and stare at a wall for 3 hours instead of sitting through an awards ceremony. Even if he were receiving all the awards. I think it's got to be hard for him to be my brother. I wish he didn't feel like he has to measure up to me at all. I understand that he is fundamentally and motivationally different from me. But I'm so stereotypically "correct," in the work-hard, great-student way. Jake's special. Other kids who don't do homework and don't study fail the test. He doesn't fail. He always yells at my parents to stop comparing him to me; that he isn't and is not going to be like me. He's right. They do need to stop. But they've both kind of given up on him and say things to him in anger that only demotivate him more. Sometimes I worry he is not happy. He doesn't have any friends. He says nobody can hold a conversation with him. He hates baseball. My dad is the coach of a team Jake refuses to put effort into. It kills my dad because he loves the game more than anything and cannot imagine that my brother may not.
But yesterday I realized how much I mean to Jake. He laughed so heartily at me, twice, at things I said. And this is the deepest compliment and form of connection to me. How Jake feels nobody can hold a conversation with him is how I often feel about my jokes.. I'd have to dumb them down for people to "get it." But then it wouldn't even be the joke anymore! Jake gets my complex jokes and laughs hard. Jake and my best friend Taylor. They make me feel so funny and smart.
Usually we don't really even talk, we just mess around. But yesterday I was reading in my room, and he came in at about ten o'clock to ask me if I had any new songs to show him. We always share music, that's one of the things that give us a close bond. I don't even remember what I said to him, but I just love his laugh more than anything.
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